In an ideal world, physical distances in relationships would mirror emotional distances. People with whom we have a strong emotional connection would be physically near us, and people we struggle with would be physically away from us.

But, in the real world, that’s not possible. We have situations where we have to stay away from our loved ones, and of course the terrible situations where we have to work or live with people we find difficult. (Physical distance is used in a broad sense here including virtual relationships and high frequency of interaction even though people maybe at different physical locations)

One thing is clear, whenever the physical distance does not mirror the emotional distance, there will be stress. How can we manage these situations?

From this 2 by 2 matrix we can see that the red quadrant is the toughest, and we get caught up in this situation so often.

If you don’t take the bull by the horns and fix the problem, you will get trapped into a cycle of endless conflict day after day after day. Life will become miserable.

The three options here are – Resolve, Manage, Exit. Think of them as a continuum with Resolve and Exit at the extremes and Manage at the centre.

Resolve – It means making a genuine effort to resolve the conflict, listening to the other person’s point of view, resetting expectations, acceptance, letting go of resentment and changing your behaviour.

This must be done with full intention, and if it is successful, it can remove a huge amount of stress from your life. You will be more productive and more peaceful.

Manage – If the first option doesn’t work after a whole heartedeffort, then you may make a choice to manage it so that the conflict reduces to some extent.. Here you will need to come to some sort of a compromise which recognises that while you have to work or live together, there will still be an emotional distance between you.

A resetting of expectations which includes some degree of acceptance, establishing boundaries and areas of cooperation will need to be done. If it is followed through, it can provide a much needed relief from toxic conflict.

Exit – If both the earlier options fail, then the only option left is to exit. It’s important to remember that you should not stay in a suspended state for too long – which means staying confused, or vacillating between options like flavours of the month.

This can be very harmful for you. You have to strike the right balance between staying in it long enough to be able to decide the right option. And not so long that it causes you harm and destroys your sanity. Every day that you delay is compounding your misery.

Self Reflection

Think about your personal and professional relationships, and put them in the right quadrants. Plan actions for all quadrants.

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